It has become more and more common lately for me to think back on a memory of myself and wonder where in the heck that girl went.
You know, the one who parked at the far end of the parking lot because she took pleasure in a long stroll. The one who loved the thrill of inline skating crazy-fast toward the end of a dead-end street and then trying to keep from face-planting in the grass. The one who sat down with her little journal and wrote poetry when she felt sad. You know, JENNI!
Lately, I feel like all I am is Dan's wife, Felicity's mom, Ariel's mom. Sometimes I just want to scream, HEY, I'M JENNI FIRST! I HAVE DESIRES AND NEEDS AND I ONLY FEEL HALF-ALIVE WHEN THOSE THINGS ARE IGNORED! And yet, so much of my past feels so far away that I sometimes can't even relate to my former feelings. Inline skating down a hill sounds dangerous and stupid. What if I got hurt? Who would carry the girls down the stairs if I had a broken wrist? Again, I'm Mommy, not Jenni.
It's weird to finally become comfortable with who you WERE, but no longer are. After so many years of feeling insecure, uncool, unsure of myself, now I finally feel like I'm okay. Not okay right now in this moment, but okay as a person on the inside. The dishes aren't done, the floor hasn't been mopped in months (now THERE'S a confession!), and dinner was ill-planned (Dan is currently at the store buying hamburger buns as the hamburgers simmer on the stove). I'm not okay with how I'm handling my roles right now, but that's all they are - ROLES. I am finally okay with ME, but there isn't a lot of ME left to be okay with. Instead, I find myself missing the woman that I've finally come to accept, wondering where she went and why I can't enjoy her now that I finally love her.
So now I'm trying to be more like me.
When I want to sing, I try to let go of fears that I'm being obnoxious and just sing at the top of my lungs, because that's what makes me happy. Dan says he's mostly okay with this, depending upon what I sing and whether he's trying to do his homework. So... Good!
I tried to write a poem the other day when I was sad, but I got writer's block after like 6 lines. Still, it's a start, and I'm committed to trying again.
I'm trying to be less afraid to say funny things or be spontaneous. It's funny that I worry about what Dan thinks of me, when the girl that he fell in love with was the real me, before I started worrying so much about what he thought.
But some things are harder to do. It'll be awhile before inline skating is safe again - the rain can cause some nasty skidding. And, of course, I'll have to do it while Dan's home and willing to keep both girls with him, or we'll need a sitter. It's hard to park at the far end of the parking lot when you have an uncooperative toddler and a rather heavy baby to transport across that parking lot before you are relieved by a shopping cart.
Really, I'm not 100% sure who I am, because I've never gotten to know myself very well. Going pretty much straight from high school to marriage doesn't leave a lot of time for self-discovery, though I doubt I would have utilized the time if I had had it. Now I have another 20 years to go before solo, multi-week vacations are an option for me. So I guess I'm not really sure what I'm like without the influence of other people's expectations. I'd sure like to know, though.
How do you take time to be YOU and truly get to know yourself in the midst of life's craziness?
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3 comments:
I'm going to pray that God would surprise you with little unexpected opportunities to get away and do things you want to do. I will do what I can to help make that happen. It won't be long before Felicity will be older and not so "attached at the hip" to you and you'll begin to feel like you have more options, ever so gradually. Hang in there. You are doing a beautiful job in your roles, and you'll find the you that you are looking for... a little here and a little there and more and more as time goes on. I love you - every version of you. Mom
I know exactly what you are going through. I went through it myself when my older two were little -- probably about 2 years old and 6 months old? (ish?) Actually you're doing way better than I did. I went through a huge depressive funk.
My husband was working 80 hour weeks and I was home alone. ALL THE TIME. Well, not alone, but you can't really carry on any stimulating conversations with a 2 year old.
We lived in a rather affluent part of Arizona and so all the mommy groups were made up for 40-something first time moms and they looked at me like I was below them because I was 21/22 years old. It was lonely, it was isolating, it was soul-crushing.
Honestly, I went back to school. I started taking a few online classes to help make my brain do something other than contemplate potty training and breastfeeding. Just one class here and one class there. But just that one class was so helpful...it gave me an identity that wasn't "wife" or "mother". Then I got motivated and took more and more. And now, 7 years (and one more kid)later, I have a bachelors, masters and am working on a PhD.
You *have* to find something that you can do that makes you "Jenni" and not "mom" or "wife". And whatever you choose, don't feel guilty. You deserve your own identity too. Just wear a helmet when you're flying the down the street on your roller blades. ;)
(Sorry this was so long)
You are now, in this moment, who you are...you will always be changing because your roles in life change. You can't go back and be what you were before because that time in your life is gone. You will not always be a "Mommie", that will also go away and present you with yet another role. The upside, enjoy every moment for the good in it and remember it and count it a blessing. The other good thing is that life presents us with many stages for us to become the best we can be, a moment at a time. You can search for all kinds of things to do to better yourself or to make you happy but you need to find happiness in where you are now before things and activities will satisfy you. I know motherhood is daunting and overwelming...just enjoy it! You will have plenty of time at the other end of it to figure out things about life and about yourself. That's the point of life...to be happy and find happiness where you are now. Sorry if this hits you wrong or sounds like a lecture but life is so short, in retrospect, and I just want you to enjoy it for what it is and maybe not for who you are sometimes.
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