Friday, September 28, 2007

And life keeps going...

Sometimes life just seems so overwhelming. Yesterday, I sat in my chair at the orthodontist's office and bawled. I just didn't feel strong enough, brave enough, awake enough.

I had slept in bed with Felicity every night for 7 weeks. Add that to a pregnancy that included 1-3 bathroom breaks a night, and it had been many months since I had slept a full 8 hours.

My diet restrictions were becoming overwhelming. I had just learned that eating even trace amounts of milk or soy could be enough to damage my daughter's intestines further and give her more or longer lasting allergies. Suddenly, even my supplement pills were suspect, and I wasn't sure how to even find bread that fit the bill.

The gums around one of my wisdom teeth were inflamed, and I couldn't shut my mouth all the way without pain. I was scared that I would need to have the tooth removed immediately, and I was scared both of the pain and of having to choose between a big bill and a cheap, sleazy dentist.

My boss had asked me if I would be interested in taking a temporary job on Sundays, and I had said yes, even though I was feeling overwhelmed. I had been in a meeting with her yesterday morning, in which she informed be that the job would be far more difficult than I had expected, and I desperately wanted to turn it down, but had been afraid to back out after having agreed to it already.

And, of course, I was grieving a very precious little baby, and waiting to hear news of his mom, whom I love dearly. It was difficult to know that she was in so much pain but not to be able to help. Life had to go on for everyone, and that's what I hate most about death. I hate that the world doesn't stop and join the mourners in a moment of silence. It feels so irreverent.

And now it was time to take my braces off. The hygienist removed a bracket, it hurt like heck, and I burst into tears. It took a few minutes before I recovered, and I think I terrified the little girl sitting next to me, who was about to get her own braces removed. I think that those five minutes or so were the low point of the year for me.

But it's okay! I got through it - we all get through everything that we must, you know - and it wasn't all painful and it didn't last forever. And here are the results:

Today was better. Today, armed with some wonderful newfound knowledge given to me by the lovely Laura, I went to Taco Bell and ordered something that I knew was safe for my baby. I smiled at myself in the mirror with my new braces-free face. I sang Felicity a song, and she smiled at me. I bought a comfortable new dress in a wonderful fall color. I put Felicity in her bassinet after each feeding last night, and she slept there peacefully, allowing me to sleep more deeply between feedings. I emailed my boss and told her that I couldn't accept the job after all. I gave Ariel some colored pencils and a piece of paper, and she made some particularly lovely scribbles. And I have been given a little, practical way that I can be of assistance to my grieving friend.

And so, life goes on. Some days it doesn't seem like it will, but it does. Praise God.


Laura said...

I use these multivitamins.

I love Rudi's breads.

Hang in there, you can do it!

dutchlvr said...

Thank you, Jenni, that was beautiful and so appreciated.